Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
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Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Just ordered me some pizza!
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I hate my earbuds.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Any refunds available?…
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows