Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
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My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate