[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
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There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.