I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
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Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister