Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
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[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Can’t stop laughing
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I know this now 😂
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?