If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
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A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
got so much cardio in today
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.