[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
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“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.