“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
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My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.