Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
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[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Story of my life…..
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Best spoiler warning ever
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children