Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 馃槒
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
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“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I told my daughter her friend couldn鈥檛 come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn鈥檛 you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that鈥檚 just鈥攊t鈥檚 like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even鈥 damned so much stuff!
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It鈥檚 science.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?