I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
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Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear