Monday Lisa
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The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs