When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
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If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes