[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
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“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Please do it!
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”