One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
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Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Ron is short for Aaronald
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I’ve had worse
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor