911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
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Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[adds another nod to the conversation]