Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
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last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake