Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
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Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.