{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
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Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Meat Cute
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I’m literally crying
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process