me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
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A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it