Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
New mindset, who dis?
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I think I’ll stand
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.