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Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
car not found
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do