Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
idk what this dog had been going through but same
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.