Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
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[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high