9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
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“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.