Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
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Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”