Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
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when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*