Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
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if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Worlds greatest photobomb
Real House Wines.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
had to make it
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving