I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
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So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I didn’t come here to be called names
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I can’t stop watching this.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14