Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
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*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
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Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey