Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
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*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
get you a girl who
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
For those that worship cheese..