Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
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Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Waffles make excellent pill organizers