Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
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Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Cow it started Cow it’s going
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case