Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
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Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.