I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
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He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter