A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
You Might Also Like
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
If only.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.