[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
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*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Mad Max: Furry Road
That took me a moment.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.