DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
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Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
😅😅😅
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]