just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
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Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
FINE, I WON’T.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”