GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
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My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Strangers have the best candy.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions