“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
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behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
only 11 steps left
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never