me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
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me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
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