HELP 馃槶
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When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I鈥檒l never be arm candy. I鈥檓 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don鈥檛 have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does鈥n iced carrot cake muffin.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Nigella has gone too far this time.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
You鈥檒l never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.