Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
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friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Jurassic park gets weird
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
im 7 sauces long
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em