Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
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My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I’m giving up ice.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
hi why am I like this
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Watermelon Boss!