I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?