“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
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Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
BRO LMFAO
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.