ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
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I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
The sacred texts.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
This is what makes twitter great
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.