The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
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If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy