I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
When I get my tax refund I鈥檓 gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Say what you want about me but at least I鈥檝e never looked surprised in a selfie
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 馃槈
#nofilter
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who鈥檚 never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you鈥檙e wondering about the healthy home environment I鈥檝e provided.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What鈥檚 your email address?
My mom- Verizon
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again